Hardness of Heart - In Marriage and Belief

This morning I am reflecting on an interesting term used by Jesus in his discussion with people about divorce.  I ran across it in Matthew 19:8 NASB:

"He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way."

The term hardness of heart is really only used two times, once in this verse (and in Mark's version of this same story) and once at the end of Mark's Gospel, following Jesus' resurrection - Mark 16:14 NASB:  "Afterward He appeared to the eleven themselves as they were reclining at the table; and He reproached them for their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they had not believed those who had seen Him after He had risen."

The original Greek word is sklērokardía (from sklērós, "hard because dry" and kardía, "heart") – properly, hardness of heart because of a lack of moisture (lubricant); an obstinate, hard heart which lacks the oil of the Holy Spirit and hence implies rebellion – i.e. someone refusing to be receptive (obedient) to God's inworking of faith.

I find it interesting that these are the only two times this phrase is used, once in talking about marriage and the other talking about belief and acceptance of Jesus' Resurrection!  Hardness of heart because of lack of moisture, is a sad description of any heart, but specifically one that is committed in marriage to another.  It seems to me that this relates to long periods of not experiencing enough emotional and intimate connectivity.   The fact that someone's heart can grow hard towards the one they once loved ardently, can be seen all around us, as divorce seems rampant.  

The second definition above, talks about one being obstinate, even rebellious, and that description implies choice.  We choose to be obstinate, choose to be rebellious, we don't accidentally become so.  

If we accept these two definitions and combine them, we come to an understanding that much of the hardness of heart, at least in marriage, is related to how we choose to respond to opportunities to change.  That there will be difficulties and hard times in relationships should come as no surprise.  What is hugely important is how we choose to think about these situations.  

I find that the great temptation for me is to always think about my own needs and wants, taking a very selfish approach.  I tend to assume what my wife's motive is behind her actions, and my assumptions are often of the worst sort.  I use the word temptation, because I have come to discover that much of my negative thinking towards my bride, is coming from an outside source.  I find my thoughts often are being barraged with negativity, and the purpose seems to be  to get me to agree with the accusations.  The issue is that motive is always assumed in any accusation, and in this case the motive is always assumed to be negative towards me, or at least selfish on her part, with implied intentional ignorance of my needs, wants and feelings.  Let me just say, that I know my wife and none of these things are true, but in the moment they seem right.  If I start agreeing with these accusations over a long period of time, I will solidify the idea in my mind and heart that she doesn't really care about me, is selfish, and even hateful towards me, which isn't true at all!  It is amazing to me how my choice of what I listen to, can totally change my perspective of a situation.  

In Revelations 12:10 the enemy is called the "accuser of the brethren", and this is exactly where I believe these lines of thinking and accusation come from.  Jesus, on the other hand, according to Romans 8:34, stands at the right hand of the Father, interceding (defending) for us.  In other words, in the spiritual realm, Jesus is our defender and satan is our accuser, is it not possible that we experience this same spiritual dynamic here, played out in our very own minds?  The question becomes which argument would I find myself agreeing with? Again, its my choice. 

As I look back over that previous paragraph, I am aware of the one thing that is missing from the above description is actual intimate conversation with my wife.  The last thing the accuser wants me to hear is her own words, her real motivation and heart towards me.   I find that if I am ever to ask about her motivation, it is often completely different than my assumption. If I am willing to be transparent, and vulnerable, and willing to be wrong, I often discover a completely different perspective than the one that has been playing in my head.  

Going back to the definition, if dryness is defined by lack of moisture, which I believe is experienced as a lack of emotional, intimate connectivity, the one way I know to resolve that is to have deep, vulnerable  conversations, allowing compassion for my bride to stir in my heart.  How often do we think that, only to have the thought, "they never listen to me anyway" pop into our minds?  I wonder where that thought comes from?  If we begin to recognize that these thoughts come from another source, we can reject them, and we can begin to pray and ask the One who intercedes for our spouse to show us what He knows about them!  

Going all the way back to the second time hardness of heart was used by Jesus, it occurred after His resurrection, and He specifically was talking about the Apostles unwillingness to believe those who said they had seen Him alive, risen from the dead.  I find this hardness of heart interesting in that it seems more directed towards others, than towards their actual faith. That they were crushed by disappointment, is an understatement, however it seems that there was also a bit of accusation going on as well.  If they didn't believe the eye-witness accounts of those who saw Jesus, it seems to me that they had to have made some assumptions about the motivation of those individuals for them to make such claims!  I also see a similar selfishness, the possible thinking that if Jesus was going to show Himself to anyone, He should be showing Himself to the ones who were His closest followers, the one's who had given the most up in following Him, the ones who were hurting the most!  I would say they sound offended to me!   

In summary, it seems that dryness and hardness of heart is actually related to choices we make about what we are going to listen to.  We can choose to listen to the Lord or to the accuser, and our choice will impact our heart!  

Oh Lord, help us to listen to You, to the one who intercedes at the right hand of the Father!  Help us to repent of any offense, any accusations we have believed about our loved ones, and about You!  Help us to allow our hearts to be stirred anew!  Come Holy Spirit, bring the rain of compassion and mercy to soften our hard hearts!

Amen and Amen!